Tomas Heed

Writer • Musician • Entrepreneur

Category: Nonsense

Pop blood blisters or leave them?

I keep forgetting. Should I pop blood blisters or should I leave them?

My friend Google has the answer.

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The LED light 30000 hour hoax

Last summer I bought some facade lights for my home, so called up-down lights. I mounted two of them on my garage and two more on my house. The result was nice. I didn’t want to change the light bulbs all the time, so I decided to buy LED lights. I was convinced by this by the information text that accompanied the lights. LED bulbs – life time approximately 30’000 hours.

Well, I do have to admit. I didn’t buy the fancy ones. I bought them on Harald Nyborg, a cheap danish DIY store located in our town. Maybe I have to suit myself for buying my bulbs in a cheap store. For some reason you can not expect a cheap store to deliver what the promise, right? One annoying fact remains, though.

One and a half year later, four out of eight bulbs are broken.

 

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DIY Christmas calendar with a case of beer cans

Every year I give my children a Christmas calendar. I buy 24 small toys and wrap them in Christmas paper before I hang them up in a fabric Christmas tree calendar which has been passed down for generations through my family. Last year I threw it out in anger on the 3rd of December.

On the third day of the Christmas calendar, my youngest son received a pink Super Mario 1up mushroom plush and started crying. Wrong color. My eldest son got a Waluigi, but since he had expected another Super Mario Character, he started crying. I almost started crying too, since I had failed so miserably in raising my children.

This year I won’t cry. I have created my own Christmas calendar from a case of beer cans. Let me show you how!

 

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Autumn, candy, cold and sciatic nerve pain

I have a theory. Let me start with the facts:

  1. Every year the summer ends abruptly in October.
  2. When summer ends, the days get shorter.
  3. When the days get shorter it gets dark earlier.
  4. When it gets dark earlier I become depressed.
  5. When I get depressed, I eat more candy.

So far, there’s nothing strange in my reasoning, but here are a couple of more facts.

  1. Every autumn I get a cold  which lasts for a long time.
  2. Every autumn I get a sciatica nerve pain caused by my herniated disk.

Now for my theory: Could my cold and my sciatica pain be caused by my increased sugar intake in the fall?

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My life is a pair of underpants

I own a pair of dinosaur underpants. They are in the color of gray melange with a bunch of green T-Rexes roaring and they were once part of a three-pack of underwear that I bought.

The first time they got washed they got mixed up with the kid’s underwear for obvious reasons, and so they went into the dryer on the cupboard dry extra program.

To summarize this garment, it’s some really ugly underwear with bad elastic. Now, you might be thinking that I never wear these underpants? Nothing could be more wrong.

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Fakir trip to Germany

Every now and then a bottle of wine is opened in the Heed residence. And sometimes a cool beer is enjoyed when a labourous task has been completed.

The quantities are not great enough to ruin us, but if you peek at the prices at the Swedish wine monopoly, Systembolaget, it may seem a bit steep to pay up 2-300 SEK for a 3L bag-in-box of red wine. In these situations you start to look for alternatives. During my student years I made some vain attempts to ferment my own wine using old rotten fruit in the basement, but despite the high alcohol levels it honestly didn’t make anyone happy.

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Crayfish party hat 2016

We have good friends who invite us to a crayfish party every year. I would almost say that this is the definition of good friends. Someone who invites you to a crayfish party every year.

Every year there is a contest to see who has the finest hat. For obvious reasons, this race has gotten worse over the years and if the hat does not move in a few dimensions, flashes or plays a sound, it is not worth showing.

Whoever wins the hat competition will as sole judge chose the winner the next year. Not only that, he or she will also determine next year’s theme. The invitation to this year’s crayfish party showed up in the mailbox back in February. There was plenty of time to think about how to construct the hat. That did not prevent me from procrastinating the creation of the hat until the very last day before the party.

This year’s theme was “Ernst Kirchsteiger”, a creative Swedish TV personality, adored by women and hated by men, in general.

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Morgonångest

Åh, jag är så sjuuu-hu-huuk. Jag hade lite känningar i halsen redan i onsdags och torsdags, men det kändes ganska bra när jag gav mig ut på löpturen i fredags. Annars skulle jag ju inte ha gett mig ut eftersom det alltid pratas om hur farligt det är att springa med förkylning i kroppen.

Nå, på lördagen var det halsonda tillbaka och på söndagen kom snuvan och idag har jag feber. Jag har ingen termometer med mig men jag gissar på att jag ligger runt 42-43 grader någonting. Jag har googlat på mina symtom; extrem feber, orkeslöshet, rinnande näsa, svettningar, rinnande ögon, raspig röst, ynklighet, gnällighet och… Ja, det finns inget enkelt sätt att säga detta på, så jag skriver det rakt ut.

Jag har åkt på en riktig karlförkylning.

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De har lyckligtvis apotek även i detta land, så nu sitter jag här i en tunnelbanevagn, dopad med Paracetamol och Ibuprofen och med hela min rödsvullna näsa fylld med Xylometazolin och Oxymetazolynklorid. Jag lyfter än en gång på hatten till den som uppfann nässprayen, kanske vår tids bästa uppfinning.

© 2017 Tomas Heed